Hello, everyone. I, Charlie and my compatriot Ben have done extensive research regarding the contents of our cherished vending machines. After hours of snacking, we’ve compiled the definitive ranking of all the snacks in the Guilford High School vending machine last year and why it matters. Let’s hop right in!

We start with the whole grain strawberry pop tart to kick off our list. This monstrosity of a “snack” is the clear worst thing in the vending machine without any possible contenders. Let’s get to the facts. When we opened this, we were hit with a storm of vile, yeasty fragrance. Although a yeasty smell may resemble a fresh loaf of bread from the oven, this is not the case for the pop tart. But what’s worse is the indescribable taste of the pop tart, specifically the crust. It is repulsively yeasty, and it will crumble everywhere. All you taste is the disgusting yeast until you are hit with the awful, artificial aftertaste of the sludgy strawberry “jam.” Words cannot do justice to the hurricane of overpowering disgust you will feel after eating this pop tart. Oh my god, I’m getting sick thinking about it. I have to stop.

Secondly, we need to eliminate “Grandma’s mini chocolate cookies.” These cookies are so unbearably inedible that the first bite will leave the victim with pure regret. When opening the poorly designed bag, your nasal cavity gets flooded with the overwhelming fragrance of cheap, over-sweetened hot chocolate. The smell alone can leave you with diabetes based on its profuse sugar smell. When biting into the colorless slabs they call “cookies,” you will become overrun with the withered sand-like texture. The flavor seems fruitlike but not in a fresh, welcoming way, more like a manufactured horrendous flavor that holds on to the tears of overworked third-world children. That flavor will stay with you as long as the wheel of time spins. When the idea of Fresh Chocolate cookies comes to you, Grandma’s discs of hatred will shoot your dream down.

I feel sorry for this pick, as it’s a significant step above the previous two. But the number three worst spot has to be the Ruffles cheese potato chips. Opening these chips was standard until you smelled that awful, smelly fake cheese smell. As someone who typically likes phony cheese, I will be the first to say this is the worst fake cheese you will ever taste. It focuses far too much on the creamy, dairy aspect rather than the salty aspect. It is way too creamy, and the chip’s weird potato consistency and taste do not help this. That’s all for the Ruffles cheese potato chips.

Coming in as the 4th worst snack, we have the Nutrigrain strawberry bar. We are hit with an intense artificial strawberry flavor as we open the package, considering the strawberry is 95% encased in the crust. The remarkable thing about this bar is its absolute lack of consistency in both texture and flavor all throughout the bar. One bite and your mouth is filled with crumbs and no strawberry, and the next stings with a rather gross artificial fruit flavor. Overall, Nutrigrain is usually a trusty bar, but not from the GHS vending machine.

Lays Baked Sour Cream and Onion chips come in 5th to last because of how lame they are. These chips have a cheap potatoey smell as you open the bag, a smell with nothing special about it. This trend continues when you take your first bite and you realize there is no flavoring on the chip. It’s basically just a pure potato chip. It doesn’t help the chip that it is absolutely power crept by the ritz

Next up on our list we have the natural valley protein. This snack has many benefits including the fact that it is healthy and rather tasty. It also has one negative trait that can’t be ignored. At first when opening the bar you smell a chocolatey peanut aroma, which is followed by a taste of hearty nuts and high quality chocolate. When nearing the end of this culinary experience an overcoming coat of pure oil concures your taste buds and brings an experience of drowning. This ruins the snack for us, but some may be able to look past it and enjoy their protein packed treat.

The best natural valley bar on our list is the Natures valley crunchy oats and honey bar. At the list point in the list you will notice that our notes become more positive because all of the undesirables have already been eliminated. Past this point you may disagree with our rating based on your own preference but our list is of utmost quality, and we only used objective facts. The positives of this snack begin when it’s opened and the aroma hits the room. The smell differs extremely from its brothers. As it was advertised, it smells of oats and honey. The taste is surprisingly similar to the smell and the name. There are no major disadvantages to this snack, but it doesn’t stand out enough to be among the elites.

Next up, we have the whole grain cheez-its. I feel bad about not putting cheez-its not higher on the list, and it’s important to not that these are not knocks on cheez-its as a whole. Now, these cheez-its have nothing wrong with them except they are slightly worse than regular cheez-its in a few respects. Number one, they are whole grain, which is a barely noticeable difference that doesn’t really take away the appealing taste of cheez-its, just dilutes it slightly. Second, the bag of cheez-its is abysmally small, making it objectively less worthwhile than similar snacks in the vending machine. Overall, these are good, but can’t compare to the others on the list. 

Next up, we have red Doritos, and may I note that this is where the snacks become supreme, and subjective opinion plays more of a factor. Sadly, the legendary red Doritos are eliminated on this list. A peculiar yet pleasant nutty smell welcomes the user upon opening. A minor complaint would be that upon a chip’s exodus from the bag, the customer’s fingers are immediately stained. An initial classic artificial cheese flavor pleases the tongue just before its corn-chip aftertaste. We note that there are about 20 chips per bag, which isn’t stellar. We suggest shaking the bag before opening to spread flavoring evenly through chips for flavor consistency within the chips.

The Sunchips Garden Salsa, just exceeds red doritos in its general quality. The experience begins with a smell that takes you to the sports bar aisle of the local fresh market. The initial taste is reminiscent of a healthy summer garden. The spice blend brings thoughts of fresh tomatoes and bell peppers. Although spice tends to lack in the average chip, the inconsistent layers of spice can leave one with a pleasant surprise, meaning that this snack has the advantage of pleasant inconsistency. 

An upset takes place as the Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal bar dethrones many or the biggest names in the game. One may consider this a joke snack, but upon trying it they will be proven wrong. An oaty look meets the eyes as a taste to match meets the buds as the eater is transported to a distant oat farm with a beautiful sunrise. When they snap back to reality, the chewy consistency and brown sugar taste and smell leave them walking away satisfied as can be. Overall, what you see is what you get with this snack, which is perhaps the best thing about it. It is as good as your wildest dreams imagine it to be.      

Making our top three, we have the iconic Rice Krispies treats. This legendary snack is a hood (childhood) classic. The aroma is reminiscent of fresh buttercream from a mystical unicorn at the end of a rainbow in a faraway land. The taste is so iconic yet rewarding each time one consumes. The simple, delicious ingredients all come through both individually and together to create a wonderful, chewy, yet puffy experience. The first bite out of the package is violently satisfying due to its airy crunch and gooey pull-apart.

Coming in at second, we have a classic, an original, an icon even, of the snack world. The Blue Doritos. Though much does not need to be said about these triangular vessels of spiritual flavor, we will anyway. A delicious snack that has only one flaw: the seasoning is spread inconsistently through chip. We recommend shaking the bag before enjoying it. This doesn’t fix the problem but rather reduces it to the point of being a blessing in disguise. The inconsistency, after shaking, makes for a wonderful gamble every bite. This snack is the rightful number two. 

Ritz toasted sour cream and onion crackers are the undisputed goat of the vending machine. Many of you have probably never heard of these chips; neither had I. But when trying these chips, we were wide-eyed and shocked. A mirage of beautiful, starchy smell lifts the user upon opening a higher-quality feeling bag. Buyers may have already had regular Ritz crackers and the same consistency between the two gifts the consumer a warm familiarity. The flavor makes the consumer feel like a king having a mighty feast after winning a long and hard conquest. The elegance of the chip is unreal, considering it was purchased off the vending machine. The silky butter flavor releases into your taste buds as the magical cracker melts in your mouth, blessing you with a magnificent aftertaste which lasts for what feels like forever but still somehow not long enough. 

We really do hope that you enjoyed this article. We cannot forget the highs and lows of last year’s selection of snacks in the vending machine. We need not only to remember this iconic machine, but also to learn from it. What can we never risk tasting? What can we depend on as a great value snack? In our darkest times, what will bring us up? What will shove us down? This list was designed to serve as a buyer’s guide for the diverse array of snacks we reviewed, and if you ever need to design a vending machine selection, you know what needs to be included and what needs not to be.